This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
