if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
