She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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