those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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