If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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