I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
