Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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