This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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