I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
