She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Who died my cat blue again?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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