My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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