Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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