omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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