I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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