i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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