Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
