I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
