You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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