I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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