By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
