i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
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He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
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My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.