I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
