my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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