i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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