Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
