I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
