Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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