Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
