so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
