(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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