When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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