he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
