When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
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i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
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once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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