last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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