not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The best revenge is premature balding
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
