You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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