I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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