i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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