Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
