i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
