Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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