My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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