I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
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just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
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Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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