im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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