Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
