Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
