So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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