I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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