Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
