I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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