he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
