I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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