I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
