Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
