Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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