every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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