yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
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I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
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There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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