I wanna passion pit in your ass
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
