he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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