the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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