two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Bring me that man meat
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
