in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.