I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
